sinking in...

so it's the 'last-day-at-my-job-eve." isn't that some sort of holiday? i think it should be. now don't get me wrong. i'm not saying i "HATED" my job, because i don't. didn't. haven't. whatever. well, wait. as a matter of fact, up until this district, i DID hate my job. but this current district that i work for (or at least will work for up until the bell rings at 2:35pm tomorrow afternoon) is a wonderful place, filled with vibrant, talented people that make me laugh, that are so positive and happy, and that have really gone out of their way to make me feel like a part of the team. a staff member, even if only a temporary one. i'd like to think i made a teeny, tiny difference in the lives of at least one or two of my students. it's the end of an era really:

mandy: the teacher - she is leaving the building.

and with all the excitement of starting school and embarking on this new voyage, i guess i can't help but feel a little sad too. not because i'm not 1,000% excited to start cake school. but because i've invested so much into my teacher-self, that it's strange to intentionally walk away from it (even when you know you don't have much of a choice anyway.)

yes, i know there are no jobs. no opportunities. no potential for a real, full-time job. how many interviews have i gone on? how many HUNDREDS of times have i subbed in some random school here on long island? HUNDREDS of days being someone's substitute teacher. and in that time, been frustrated for 90% of them. i mean, "come home, kick your shoes off, slam the door, collapse face first on the bed and bawl my eyes out" kind of frustrated. it's never been easy. in a random burst of frustration-rage, i even yanked my framed Master's Degree diploma off the wall of my office once and tossed it (check that: slammed it, threw it down with incredible anger) in the SimpleHuman garbage can. (a framed piece of paper which was later rescued by my adoring husband with a sigh - who later put it quietly back up on the wall, and came into the bedroom with a glass of milk and a cookie for his very immature, albeit quirky, wife).

tonight is a night of reflection i guess. i wonder if those nights of anger and intense frustration are finally behind me. no more being nameless in a crowd? (i laugh) what better place to feel nameless in a crowd then hustling through Penn Station at rush hour, with a duffle bag slung across my back, carrying a chef's coat, a notebook and a bottle of water... like some encumbered salmon trying to swim against the current, while the whole world comes rushing at me, trying to get home to the place where THEY aren't so nameless. while me? i'll be pushing through hundreds of people, wondering how to figure out where the Q or A train is, and if that really is the best way to get to school.

it will be nameless, but in a different sort of way. in a way that makes sense. and what's more? well, i get the feeling that at FCI, i might not be so nameless after all. not once class gets started and i begin to build my skills, draw upon my talents, get to know people and hopefully carve a name for myself - carve it in a place that more than wants you to do so - and do it well. have i finally found the place to call home?

i secretly wonder if maybe the reason why every. single. door. has either been shut (slammed, or locked) on me was all so that i'd turn towards NYC. it's certainly why i have thrown myself into cake all these years. it's certainly why i dream in cake. and imagine my little, sun-filled cake shop. and let's face it, i never came to NYC to find a teaching job. ...did i just rubik's cube this? did i seriously isaac newton it and put 2 and 2 together? is it wrong to be so fatalistic? (especially because i'd like to think i'm the one in charge of purposefully changing my whole life around for this dream of mine). though, i'll be honest with you now... i am secretly (maybe not so secretly since i'm posting this on a public blog) hoping that building this dream into a reality is an unalterable reality, yet to come!

so i thought i'd post a list of things i'm hoping to accomplish while at FCI.

-write a LOT!

-earn an AMAZING internship with a cake-god! (i can't even say his name, for fear of frightening the dream away)

- figure out the subway/train thing, before i have to sell a kidney or get a fifth job!

- expand on my talents and earn some cake chef respect!

-and, make some friends in cake!

i sometimes wonder...who will i be when i've completed the course, looking back at these words. i wonder how i'll have changed. and i wonder where i'll be. will i have met RBI? (don't you DARE ask, "who?" how do you know me and NOT know? (i tease, i tease...but seriously... google it!) will i have scored an amazing internship? will i be impressed with ME? will i have grown exponentially? will i still be so nameless, so easily forgettable? or will i have found what i didn't realize was already here? will i have found exactly what i've been looking for... for all these years?

very reflective, pensive day indeed.

xo

m